After comming home from WCEU, wich was a tremendous relief and inspiration, continuing were I was became a harder part.
I’m not sure about what it was/is: The lack of colleagues, back to the ‘reality’ , unsolved problems that is connencted to taxes and VAT regulations or the huge amount of expectations that I mainly set for myself.
During the summer I’ve set up some goals that I wanted to achieve:
IQ analytics exam, building a customer communication system, get customers, redecorating and two more that I don’t remember.
This far things did offcourse take a bit longer than I thought and I knew it, but still spended the whole week upon beating myself up everyday for the slow progress ending in taking more time off than expected.
The week just slowly passed by as a turtle fumling in sand and remember was worrying about bills and the future while actually crying a bit over not being stated in a happy fun place with happy creative colleagues where all of us popping social and cool ideas while dancing to happy indiepop music.
something like that.
This week was all I can remember was 3 downers:
I thought I was VAT registered, but found out by coincidence that the accountant that had this job had not registered last year.
Did not pass the IQ test, 13% questions was wrong even the assessement test was 90%, wich makes me feel like a moron and a loser.
(I passed it easily last year, why is it so… hard this year?!)
It’s quite ok that I don’t remember the third right now, but sometimes I just have this general feeling that I’m a fraud and when I get questions I can’t answer some people especially those who were developers or bosses saying: Don’t you know? Everybody knows that! Makes me feel worth nothing.
I’m not going to cry over idiots, I see that many people tend to think that the stuff they know about knows everybody, strangely enough and that how you carry stuff on the way is how you can be in control of your own prosperity.
But some days it feels like I am walking a longer and slower way in the wrong direction and I don’t know who to turn to.
The mind seemed cluttered and the path is not there anymore. I think I read about if the situation is like that you should just aim for the mountain and walk in that direction.
So let’s say I lost the track of the mountain or maybe the meaning of finding the mountain.
Other thoughts that catched up on me was the lack of a top higher education, my income compared to my friends and the state of my apartement.
And offcourse everything of these three was not ok. The delusion of a safe foundation is not there measured in normal status of succesfull goals in life like a bachelor/masters degree, income of 400 000 NOK /y or a Instagram like apartement or something.
So with this in mind I’d keep beating myself and remembering all kinds of downers happend to me in the past.
And then I started complaining and blaming stuff on my parents, the society, the politics, my neighbours, my former accountant, my former bosses, my teachers, my doctor, my ex and so on until I blame everything again only on myself while writing this.
Wow, I’d really hope I can get this downtime to go away.