I thought I was loosing it.

Running a small company was harder than expected. ( but also a wonderful journey towards insight)

It went so awesome the first year, clients just made contact, projects were launched, hopes and porsperity was insight.
Then there were interruption of economy and illness wich resulted in a two month break.
Comming back to work was crazy – being adviced to give it up, to cancel contracts and to be reduced to just another person who have to start from scratch again.

Then lot of old attidude and selfperception of bad experiences and low selfeestem appeared.
And another three months with weak decicionmaking until the positivness of the spring came.
I choose to continue and it hardly passes days when I doubt this decision.

The enemy is my selfperception: I’m too lazy, I’m not sturctured and I’m not qualified enough.
Things and stuff takes longer time than planned and unexpected problems shows up not in good timing at all.

The goverment of tax is focused on details and nuances I could not imagined, but not as scary sales negotiaons feels sometimes.
And the feeling of inadequacy really gets to me when I realise to little are produced realtive to the effort I strive for everyday.
Then I start making a accountance of imagination of how less it is/I am and not relative at all to what I do.

And then I think that I’m just on another journey to loosen it because I doing a lot, but producing and creating less than last year.
Then a person tells me that’s a lie after an hour of conversation and tells me that concerns after 01 AM should not be taken so seriously.

And she is right: I’m actually working more, more than earlier just diffrent and it does not show the same way as last year.
That it is my selfperception of what is “real” work that drag it down, and might perception of others of what is “valid” work.
I might loose concentration and get exhausted too… that’s normal.

I realise that I’m not loosing it anymore, I’m still developing and it moves forwards to something bigger than me.
And I need to keep calm and navigate through new stuff.