Being alone not lonesome

After a great week with multiple friends, party and social events a growing feeling of need came to me.

I wanted to be alone.

I had a pretty clear imagination of this and how it was going to be:

Me staring out on the windows at the trees from my home in total silence.

Remembering a tune called: “Silence is the new sound” with Prefuse 73 while I was thinking of this.

I came home and made a simple meal of noodles, salad and salmon eating and thoughts, plans and imagination appeared to my mind.

I’m a quite social person and I’m dependent of people as they maybe are dependent on me.

I was in a relationship, too long.

My ex and I found out to split up and I got over the time with bad economy, lonesomness,anger and fear of being a total idiot when I could not manage stuff as before, I went through a personality change.

Not meaning the crazy one, I leaved that behind in the wrecked relationship.

I got stronger by stop caring about superficially opinions regarding how people should be, income, their status and etc.

There I found that a bit of my personality started over again from I was 18 years old, when I was single, starting to form independent thoughts and dreams for my future mixed together with all my life and proffesional experience from the twenties.

Suddenly I was seing and hearing myself talk, not just talk away.

Things I said made some kind of an echo as I heard how little I know about the world and about my country when I was talking.

What the darn did I do while I was in relationship for all this years and I can taste the bitter sweetness from the past of regrets.

Then I left the regrets, still keeping some strange habits like excusing for that my hair is wet from the shower, cutting vegetables in tiny dices because bigger chunks aren’t good enough, fixated on secure passwords and still… not really trusting a guy if he want to get closer to me.

This thing with enjoying alone, is awesome and “hear” myself think is making me more confident in my own decisions and patience.

I think I became a better listener and listen to really what other are saying and expressing I mean is containing a whole lot of information.

Having a “real” and concentrated conversation is to me like reading a great book.

I think people can sense of you’re listening or not, wether it’s on the phone, social media chat or whereever.

What I really want is to have more time to reflect over my friends conversation. I feel that reflecting gathers a whole lot more conversation and emotional information that I don’t catch in the moment.

Alone is awesome experience of getting a deeper dive into awarness and not sleeping in a relationship comfort zone.

( I’m not judging good and right relationship, you other folks, and I probaly hope to believe one day that I’d be lucky too)

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